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“People are still asking me if I knew Star Wars was going to be that big of a hit. Yes, we all knew. The only one who didn’t know was George.”

Carrie Fisher

Hey! Why are you still here? Go check out Faster Than Kudzu. See you back here soon.

photo credit: wallyg via photopin cc

The hilarious “70′s Flashback” comment by AlAlvarez was an incredible inspiration that sent me running back to my manuscript full of ideas. I laugh out loud every single time I read it. So I’m going to share an abridged version here in case anyone else thinks what Al wrote is as interesting and entertaining as I do.

In the mid seventies, if you were working for a theatre chain, it was all about cutting costs and not reinvesting in theatres. It was mostly about managing an unstable audience and staff in a crumbling building. Here are some memories…as a manager around 1977 that may spark your imagination:

• No cleaning between shows as there was only one usher budgeted at a time.
• The cleaners quit every time we showed THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW at midnight.
• An x-rated musical version of ALICE IN WONDERLAND stunned the crowd.
• A seriously misinformed local cop threatens to close the theatre for letting kids in alone to watch PG films.
• Due to the way movies were booked, Streisand’s A STAR IS BORN continues to play forever even after holding-over was unwarranted. Staff sings along to the empty seats.
• The midnight show of THE LOLLIPOP GIRLS IN HARD CANDY in 3D turned out to be hard-core p*rn in 3D! With the little red and blue glasses to boot. The local college students pack the place.
• At this beautiful theatre that once showed SINGING IN THE RAIN, a double feature of TORSO and THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE.
• The odor of pot smoke permeates the auditorium so strongly at the midnight show that the senior citizen matinée audience the following day comes out stoned.
• In spite all the movies above, the locals get upset at the dirty language in SLAP SHOT and the posters for NASTY HABITS.
• A rat has moved in under the popcorn machine and runs out to fetch whenever popcorn is dropped on the floor behind the stand. The staff have named him BEN.
• BLACK SUNDAY is coming!
• BLACK SUNDAY is coming!
• BLACK SUNDAY is coming!
• BLACK SUNDAY is coming!
• Two weeks later – BLACK SUNDAY is gone!
• The promiscuous stoner girl working behind the stand has been forced to quit by her mother. It turns out she is only 14 years old and working with false I.D.
• ANNIE HALL opens and the audience watches quietly but buys no popcorn.
• Our film buyer refuses to book Bob Marley’s reggae film THE HARDER THEY COME as a midnight show because she insists it is gay p*rn.
• The midnight show of MIDNIGHT COWBOY comes in labeled wrong and the reels play in the wrong order with opening credits in the middle of the film. No one complains.
• An usher finds a heart, a liver and part of a lung on the auditorium floor after the movie. Police are called and discover they are plastic replicas left behind by a local medical student.
• A stoned-out midnight crowd falls asleep during Monty Python’s JABBERWOCKY. We have to go around waking them up after the film and sending them home.
• The drive-in will get THE SPY WHO LOVED ME, A BRIDGE TOO FAR and THE DEEP this summer and we’re stuck with THE OTHER SIDE OF MIDNIGHT and some kiddie sci-fi flick called STAR WARS.
• New “Light in the dark footballs” (a flashlight shaped like a football) on sale at the concession stand. You can now play football at night!
• A new ending for EXORCIST II: THE HERETIC on week two upsets a couple who actually came back to see it again. Tumbleweeds practically roll by during the second week.
• SENSURROUND installed for ROLLERCOASTER makes STAR WARS unwatchable in the other screen. Head office couldn’t care less.
• The first five rows are closed in twin one due to a ceiling leak that dates back to the sixties.
• A midnight showing of a film about VOLUNTEER JAM featuring the Charlie Daniels Band goes wrong when the good ol’ boys find themselves waiting in the lobby with men in high heels and fishnet stockings. Future showings are segregated with ROCKY HORROR people in the lobby and redneck rockers outside until the movie starts.
• The Jolly Rancher candy bags on display do not have sell by dates but I can trace them on the inventory to 1972 without a new delivery.
• The thin walls from the bad twinning effort make it possible to relive the light sabre battle during boring parts of NEW YORK, NEW YORK.
• HERBIE GOES TO MONTE CARLO in Twin One. THE HAPPY HOOKER GOES TO WASHINGTON in Twin Two.
• A man is caught m@sturbating during a showing HERBIE GOES TO MONTE CARLO.
• Police start monitoring the theatre roof with binoculars looking for drug dealing in the parking lot.
• Negotiations go badly when the projection union demands a large increase per hour. The resulting contract forces the closing of weekday matinees and the resignation of the chief projectionists who no longer has a full-time job as a result.
• A three-way fight breaks out in the lobby when three men in drag all insist on playing the main FRANKENFURTER role in front at ROCKY HORROR. I am summoned to make the all-important decision.
• A seventeen year old usher finds a bag full of “fat naked girls” p*rn magazines in the auditorium. He delays turning them in for hours. A gentleman in a suit comes in to claim them in the evening.
• The first showing in Twin One has sound problems. Someone stole the speakers from behind the screen.
• The projectionist puts on reel of soft core midnight movie GUMS instead of Walt Disney’s THE RESCUERS for the first matinée of the day.
• Six staff members fail to show up Saturday night, some calling in sick. Peter Frampton was live in concert that night.
• Rattling in the seats of Twin Two during the movie turns out to be a crab from the nearby swamp that somehow got inside.
• What on earth could a KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE really be about?
• A man has a tantrum in the lobby when an undercover policeman takes his quaaludes away and flushes them down the toilet. Back-up cops are stunned by the now lacking evidence.
• An upset woman starts screaming when her toddler comes up from between the rows with a used condom in his hand.
• STAR WARS is back and people are starting to bring their own light sabres into the screen and we have to start confiscating them until after the movie due to complaints.
• The midnight show fills up prematurely when someone removes the exit door hinges and lets the crowd in for free.
• The Jujy Fruits stick to the box and need to be slammed against the counter daily to loosen them up so people refrain from doing so during the film.
• LOOKING FOR MR. GOODBAR appears to be a seminal film that will become a classic with a timeless disco soundtrack and a social commentary on unfocused lives and promiscuity. SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER appears to be kid stuff that will soon be forgotten.
• VALENTINO is coming!
• VALENTINO is coming!
• VALENTINO is coming!
• VALENTINO is gone! STAR WARS is back.

Thank you AlAlvarez! You are a gentleman and a cinema treasure in your own right!

photo credit: Heritage Vancouver via photopin cc & Pete Zarria via photopin cc

Star Wars gift soaps. Aren’t they adorable? I don’t care how old I am, it’s still a thrill to lather up with Han Solo or the Millennium Falcon (*smiles innocently*). If you agree, you probably want to know how you can get your hands one of these.

There’s two ways:

1. Come to my book launch on Saturday May 25 at Land of a Thousand Hills Coffee House in Roswell where I will be giving away gifts with purchase, including these adorable soaps (while supplies last).
2. Go to ThinkGeek to purchase silicone Star Wars molds (and while you are there, I dare you to check out without adding a few extra items to your cart because that site is like geek utopia). Then go to Michaels to purchase their ArtMinds™ melt and pour soap base, fragrance oil, and silver color (or any color that tickles your fancy, I think my next batch will be blue). Set aside an hour or two to make your own Star Wars gift soaps…but, why do all that when you could just come to my book launch?

Her response: “You should check out the Nostalgic Candy website! They have a fantastic box of 1970′s candy.”

This was a brilliant response for two reasons:

1. It’s an affordable and fun way to bring a taste of 1970 pop culture to my events
2. She totally derailed my crazy train with thoughts of candy

As a child, I didn’t have a sweet tooth for chocolate or cookies or cake, but I LOVED any fruity candy that had a powerful sour/sweet punch. Just thinking about some of those candies sweeps me into a wild vortex of nostalgia…but in a good way. So I’m going to list the candies that can, with one taste (or even the memory of a taste), magically send me back to my sweetest memories of the 1970′s.

Lemonhead Candy

It plays a supporting role in my novel for a good reason. It is and has always been one of my most favorite sour treats, especially in a movie theater. Give be a Coke, a bag of popcorn, a box of Lemonheads and roll the previews. My jaws are locking up right now just thinking about it.Zots

Do you remember Zots? It’s a hard candy with a sour, fizzy center. Oh how I adored Zots! And I just found out I can still buy them! Happy, happy, joy, joy! Pop Rocks

If no one shows up at my book events, maybe I’ll just swallow a packet of cherry Pop Rocks and chug a can of Sprite to end it all…or has someone proven that’s a myth yet?Sweetarts

To this day, I am absolutely incapable of eating a package of Sweetarts without sorting them into colors and arranging them into cute little patterns before I taste one.Pixie Stix

A tiny tube of taste explosion. I have not tasted one of these cuties in over thirty years. I wonder if I still love them?

And now you know way too much about my sugar issues. How about you? What candy flavors can zap your sour mood and zing you straight back to childhood?

photo credits: It’s So Sunny! via href=”http://photopin.com”>photopin cc, Mary P. from Pretty Good Things via photopin cc, Kasia/flickr via photopin cc, deovolenti via photopin cc & KindredCoda via photopin cc

“How you get so big eating food of this kind?”

Ingredients:

• 2 c. kale leaves, tough stems removed & torn into bite-sized pieces
• 1 c. frozen, chopped spinach
• 1-1/2 c. sugar-free, non-alcoholic margarita mix (I like Scales)
• 1/2 c. coconut water
• 1 c. frozen pineapple chunks
• 1 c. frozen mango chunks
• 1 heaping scoop of unflavored protein powder (at least 14 grams of protein)

Preparation: Do you really need me to say it? Blend everything together until you have a sweet, sour, swampy smoothie full of energy to power your day!

I will say this, whether you are a rabid Star Wars fanatic, a casual Star Wars fan, or someone who doesn’t know a Wookiee from an Ewok, here’s my advice on the best way to enjoy this May 4th:

• Fly casual
• Respect and enjoy the energy field of all living things
• Never give in to anger, fear or aggression
• and always let the Wookiee win.

Happy Star Wars Day y’all!